“I suppose today was better…minus the [lack of] production. I missed class this morning because I was exhausted and my eyes were the size of golf balls. I went out today to turn in applications but all I wound up with was an orange soda and a ‘sorry, we’re not hiring right now.’ I didn’t study. I didn’t call my cousin. I didn’t do loan shit that I need to do on the internet and I didn’t meet anyone new.
I did, however, fall in love with the Tegan & Sara album and tear up over the livejournal comment that my sister posted on my entry.
I called home in tears last night. The first time I have ever called my mom to cry to. My heart was in so many pieces, I felt that only my parents could help mend me. I needed home. I needed something to keep at least a small fraction of me in tact. So I sobbed for hours last night…never has my world felt so broken. So shattered. I feel as though I have no direction and the only thing I really have to grasp on to is two hours away from me.
What am I doing here?
Is this really what I wanted so badly? To be lonely and miserable in a new town with even less of a drive for school than I had before? I thought things would be so different. My delusions have driven me straight to the ground. I really wanted to believe that this life was for me. I did believe that I belonged in a large university, living on my own. But in reality, I’m meant to work with art and music. That’s what I’ve always dreamt of. Why couldn’t I have just done that?
I could ask these questions all day, but the fact of the matter is, I’m here now. I need to finish it and learn from my mistakes. This is growing up whether I like it or not and that’s life…
I just need someone here. Someone to get close to. I’m so tired of being alone. Me and my social disorders.
9:19…wishing my phone would ring just once.
I guess I just wait now. Wait for someone to find me. Who knows if they’ll live up to the impression that he left in my mind, but I’ll never have a choice.
Sometimes I wish my journal would write a story inside of itself so I had something to read. Something else to feel.
And of course, I over analyze every word spoken and every move made. It happens every time, when you heal my wounds and kiss my cheek after my mouth cries in pain. What you don’t know is that you’re mending flesh that you, yourself, have ripped apart. And I’ll stay in vein, in hopes that there could be more. But you jump in bed during my deepest sleep in order to avoid personal keeping. Because you know that I want you. You know that I fell for you…and you’re not falling for anything.
Please forgive me when I try to deny your existence. For now, I’ll have to find another way to stitch myself up.”