She floats in and out of the breeze like an opulent heartbeat…She just needs to be free…”

These days.

Imperfect. Intolerable. Intuitive. Indefinite. Introverted.

In limbo.

Everything is coming to a head. I’m hopeful. I’m anxious. Excited. Nervous. Everything I should be.

So ready. Bring it on, life.

I can’t believe in just one month from today, the guys and I will be boarding a plane to Los Angeles! 

I’m ready. I’m not ready. I’m ready. I’m not ready.

I need to finish writing my parts on our songs and get back into shape. I need to make money because a girl MUST shop when she is in LA. But mostly, I need to chill the fuck out and realize that I am good enough for this. I can do this. I may not be the best vocalist/lyricist/musician/recording artist…but we have the passion. We have the drive. We have something to say. Hopefully that’s enough.

It doesn’t matter anymore, because we’re going to do this no matter what. No matter how many insecurities gnaw at our throats. No matter how many naysayers we have on our backs. No matter if we run ourselves into the ground because if we don’t try, we’d kill ourselves later for never knowing.

I’ll be documenting our entire trip on video. I’ve never done a video diary before, so I’ll need all the tips I can get! 

You could watch her skin turn translucent
and her eyes sink further in
each time she made excuses
for the life she hadn’t lived.
Rehearsing phrases that reek of poison-
She melted sunshine through her lips
But what destroyed the life inside of her
was the monster inside of him.

She carried the shovel and he lead the way-
Every battle she fought in his name
dug another hole for her grave.

His sickness seeped into her bones,
She felt a numbness creeping in.
What of him that once made her feel alive
now plagued her heart with ignorance.
Between the sheets, he watched her sleep,
She knowing nothing of his crimes.
Blinded by innocence, she could not have seen
the destruction of the monster’s pride.

She carried the shovel as he lead the way
With every kiss and promise made
that girl dug out her own grave.

Well you cannot haunt her-
You cannot haunt her any longer.
You cannot resurrect the fear that you once ignited in her.

I’m just going to listen to 90’s grunge all day and summon my inner Fairuza Balk. Look at this mirrored witchery!

Khristianne styled my hair and I feel fabulous.

Color by me. Pravana Vivids in Red/Orange combination with TIGI in 55/66 at the root. 

And maybe that’s not actually true…as I don’t believe that love works like gravity, but it’s a good concept to remember.

I’ve been working on myself, lately…physically and mentally. Even though I’ve only been to two sessions, I believe that therapy is really going to help. I realize that I keep myself locked up and away from people and that causes my fears to perpetuate endlessly…so I tend to lash out or become overemotional at any moments notice. This is terrible for any relationship and usually what causes me to give up instantaneously. I always thought that I was a fighter, but that was really just a fantasy. I was a scared little sheep.

Speaking of fantasies…you could be living in one indefinitely but have no idea. I think I live in fantasy about not my future, but my past. Why should my past matter at this point? It’s shaped everything in the present and I have to give some kind of credit for that, but it’s time forgive, forget and walk. It’s difficult to have to separate from something you still feel a strong connection to, but I waste too much time reading old journal entries. I must focus on the story that I am writing now.

I believe I know the root of my anxiety issues…and I knew it all along. I haven’t started the treatment plan that my therapist has created for me, but I will be shocked if this doesn’t all amount to control issues. I’m always worried that I will lose control…of my emotions, of my car, of my life, of my drinking habits. I worry that I can’t control what happens in my future…with the band, with my career, with my family. I worry that someone will control me. I cannot be controlled.

But I know that my control issues will push me away from people. A marriage is two people. Our band is four people. My family is a ton of people. I can’t nor should I be in control of everything. I have to trust other’s to take control and I have to remember that no one will ever be able to control me.

I’m working on it. I’m really working hard.

Big news this week along with a new release for Fine Fine Titans. I couldn’t be more excited about our future. I’m a happy girl…so here is a blurry photo!

Hi <3

It’s not that I’m nervous about the new year, in fact, quite the opposite. I’m very excited actually, because I know that our band is ready to hit the road. We have what we need…the music, the van, the drive, the support…we just have to do it.

Maybe I am a bit nervous. This is all I’ve ever wanted. This is all I’ve ever dreamt of. That little pit in my stomach is beginning to envelope my entire body and I can feel my fight or flight response closing up my throat. In this case, I need to take advantage of that. Because the adrenaline is going to keep us motivated. I have to fight AND fly. I have to hold onto the angst of my youth and utilize the wisdom of my later years to take by storm, the world…er, the van.

So many people have walked out of my life these last few years. I’d like to say that it is they who have changed, but that I can not be definitive of and I know for certain that it is me who has evolved. I’ve lost patience with anyone who is unwilling to look at the world from another point of view. My eyes have opened to hypocrisy and it’s true, I’ve become much stronger in my stance and no longer do I find it necessary to keep my mouth closed to injustice that I may see. Friends that may have once loved me for me no longer love me for who I’ve become.

So now it’s time to hit the road to find folk who are accepting. This year, my resolution is not focused on the future, it’s focused on letting go of the past so I can live the next year with a clear head and clear hope.

Here’s to the past, I’m going to celebrate the future.

Today, we move forward.

I sat down today to reflect in my notepad about the last weekend that we had. It was truly a wonderful, fabulous time playing at Halloween Hellraiser, sharing the stage with a band that I love and having so many of my dear friends around to share that love and excitement with me. 

But as I brought my pen to paper, I couldn’t get very far. My mind didn’t want to reach back any further, it only urged me to think about the future. And in the future, I’ve got big plans.

This is where I get nervous, though. Do I share my plans? Is that more of a curse on them? If I share them, I can’t just be disappointed on my own if my plans fail, but anyone who reads this will know my disappointment too. 

…but then again, maybe that’s the beauty in it. 

2013 is approaching quickly. We must tour. We must write and record a full length album in the best recording studio our money can buy and possibly release through a label (but only the right label). We must get on warped tour…even if just for a week or two. We must develop Fine Fine Titans closer to everything that it can be.

I must start writing more…and beyond FFT. I need to write more music and poetry that will express other parts of me. Maybe something my mother would like. 

I must get into the best shape possible. The best shape I’ve ever been in. I’ve got 8 months until next summer. I want to be sure that my energy and endurance stays through the roof so I can perform to the best of my ability. 

I must.

I must.

I must.

I must.

Today, I must move forward.

Here is to the past; cheers to the future.

I will turn 27 next month and this year, I will not weep for getting older. Instead, I will take strides to live out my young life by doing the following:

1. Purchase a gym membership and USE it.
2. Purchase a keyboard, take lessons. Actually practice and write music.
3. Find a booking agent for Fine Fine Titans.
4. Have more sex without having babies.

I’m sure my husband will be happy with all of these choices too. SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BOTH OF US! <3

As I sit alone in the backroom of this salon, I am left to my own devices as I try to duck from any bad energy that looms overhead. Clients run late. Clients also cancel. Nothing is certain in this industry and that would be a little easier to accept if only this was something my heart was still into. 

Consistently asking myself…if you’re not doing what you love, why waste another minute on it? 

I have to swallow that enormous pill, though, I understand that now. I realize that every moment I spend grudging through a world that I do not belong in pushes me harder to spend time doing what I truly love. I just have to harness my personal energy to make sure that it isn’t sucked out by surrounding forces that just want to drag me down.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

I’ll be on the road soon. 

Last night when I was driving home from work, I couldn’t stop terrible things from entering my head. Visions of gory accidents, one after another, popped up like movie scenes and they all happened to me. In my trance, I would lose my limbs (if I didn’t die entirely) and for months proceeding the accident and having my right arm amputated, I screamed and cried each time I would try to write.

This morning, I dreamt that my dogs, cat and a german shepard that we also had were all attacked by coyotes and wolves. I tried to keep the pomeranians and my cat inside the apartment/cabin, knowing that the boxer, the german shepard and Evan could hold their own for a bit. While Evan fought the wolves off, I came back out to round up the rest of the dogs. Everyone was fine, except for the shepard who had caught his back foot in the fence and actually told me that he was embarrassed about the swelling. 

Where is my mind?

…………………….

Evan is right, I do get discouraged too easily. It doesn’t mean that I’ll give up, but it deeply distracts me and sometimes hinders progress. I need to blow it off. I desperately try not to take things personally, but I’m guilty. I search too often for affirmation from others and I’m acutely aware of that fact. As children, (especially women, but not limited to) we are always encouraged for our talents and complimented on our looks. Attention and affection ties in exclusively and suddenly-we know exactly how the world works. We know that if we can be aesthetically pleasing, talented and intelligent, we will be loved. So do we all search for affirmation from other’s? Of course we do. We don’t know any other way.

So how do we break through that threshold between pleasing others (to please ourselves) and simply not giving a fuck (and realizing that the right people will love us no matter what)?

I want to be successful. I want my voice to matter. I want people to care because I care. I want to bridge connections between them and us. I do care what people think because I want  them to care about what I think. Maybe this is idiotic, childish and totally selfish.

We say we don’t give a fuck, but we’re not fooling anyone.