I’ve really been blessed thus far to be able to share my deepest desires with so many of you. The older I get and the more people I lose, the more abruptly the reality strikes me that we are not invincible. We’re plagued with this idea of the “American Dream”…that you grow up in a healthy home, attend college, attain a job that hopefully you like, get married, have a few kids, celebrate the holidays the same way every year with the same banana bread recipe, pass that on to your grandchildren and then die of natural causes. Some people are comfortable with this and some people dream of this. Then there is me.

I absolutely couldn’t stomach taking anything in my life for granted, but dare I say that I am not satisfied with the status quo. The American Dream is not my dream and nor is it for some other people. But here is the thing…I am not concerned with what you dream about, I am only concerned that we all find the courage and strength to step outside of the box, confess that our aspirations may not be the popular vision and charge our way through to seek out whatever it is that we dare to dream. 

My dream is to make music. To tour the world, reach out and connect to people who may have lost their way or who know their way and just need a push forward. I’m dying to meet other people with similar ambitions who just want to make positive changes in our world and to create the sort of community that only art and music can. 

Everyone needs a little help. I certainly am no stranger to this. This opportunity that we have been given to make a superb product and to expand our horizons can help us to reach audiences that staying in this little Michigan town never could. We don’t know for certain that this will be our ticket in to the major leagues and we are not immune to the fantasy of the situation. Beyond the recording of this album, we will still have to work our hands to the bone to tour how we want and reach the audiences we strive to. We know it won’t be a cakewalk, but we’re diving head first into this because even though I joke of it in the video, it’s true, we could leave this earth at any given moment without ever leaving any sort of impact in the world.

So we’re going to Hollywood to record an album. It’s going to be fucking expensive, so that’s why we need your help. 

Please help us by contributing to our dream here. 

If anything, just reblog this. Every single hand that helps to lift us up is another hand that we can use to reach down to help other’s up with us. <3

I feel really blessed (no pun intended) to not only share the stage with these incredible bands on Sunday, but also for The Intersection, it’s staff and the promoters/tour managers of this run to give us the chance to do so. 

This month marks the two year anniversary of the formation of Fine Fine Titans. It’s hard to believe that it’s already been two years and sometimes I want to say that we should have accomplished more at this point, but I know that we’ve been working our skin off. In 2013, however, if we don’t grind to our very bones, we might as well throw in the towel because we’re not getting any younger and this won’t get any easier.

So we rally on. My god, we will rally.

It’s not that I’m nervous about the new year, in fact, quite the opposite. I’m very excited actually, because I know that our band is ready to hit the road. We have what we need…the music, the van, the drive, the support…we just have to do it.

Maybe I am a bit nervous. This is all I’ve ever wanted. This is all I’ve ever dreamt of. That little pit in my stomach is beginning to envelope my entire body and I can feel my fight or flight response closing up my throat. In this case, I need to take advantage of that. Because the adrenaline is going to keep us motivated. I have to fight AND fly. I have to hold onto the angst of my youth and utilize the wisdom of my later years to take by storm, the world…er, the van.

So many people have walked out of my life these last few years. I’d like to say that it is they who have changed, but that I can not be definitive of and I know for certain that it is me who has evolved. I’ve lost patience with anyone who is unwilling to look at the world from another point of view. My eyes have opened to hypocrisy and it’s true, I’ve become much stronger in my stance and no longer do I find it necessary to keep my mouth closed to injustice that I may see. Friends that may have once loved me for me no longer love me for who I’ve become.

So now it’s time to hit the road to find folk who are accepting. This year, my resolution is not focused on the future, it’s focused on letting go of the past so I can live the next year with a clear head and clear hope.

Here’s to the past, I’m going to celebrate the future.

I can’t even begin to explain my excitement for this show. I feel that everything we have been working towards since late 2010 has lead us to this point. If anyone knows anything about me, they know that this is a huge, HUGE fucking deal. I hold very high respect for the musicians who make up Dead Sara. To hear our name mentioned on the radio…to be a part of something that has been ran so professionally thus far…to have the chance to share the stage with this band…no matter what happens hear on after, I know that I’ve had a chance to really turn this dream into something so much more than that which I’ve always just dreamt. Now I can live it.

I won’t take a single second of it for granted. 

I am so very thankful for these opportunities.

It’s interesting that until now, I could never wrap my head around the fact that I write and perform vocals with a band who plays heavy music when mostly, it’s not music that I listen to. I love what many bands in hardcore, metal and it’s sub-genre’s stand for. I love that the genres are so misperceived and am enamored by the passion that drives it. What I don’t love is that it often can be difficult to connect with. I don’t enjoy the exclusivity and the fact that it shuns people who may be truly interested in the music and lifestyle but just don’t know where to start. Many fans of hardcore are self-centered snobs, the quintessential “hipster”, who believes that they were a part of some revolution first. These fans and sometime’s even the genre’s players bitch about the very same exclusivity from social groups that they were cast out of as young adults or children. The hypocrisy astounds me.

So that’s what I want to write and perform, heavy music that breaks down barriers between genres. I want to create a voice to a progressive generation that doesn’t place focus on the differences between the million sub genre’s that we’ve generated, but instead focuses on the similarities. Instead of casting people out, I want to draw them in. Because what is art if you can’t share it? 

“…a musician who alters their material to encompass a wider audience may be labeled by fans who pre-date the change as a sellout.”

This is a slippery slope to tread on. As musicians, we are always under scrutiny and we must find a way to balance that line of “cool” and “not cool.” It’s not enough just to play or write what speaks to your heart…and if you’re going to do it publicly, you must be prepared to ultimately be judged. If your heart sways and your mind changes, you can assume that some fans will find difficulty in understanding that growth and will automatically assess it as “selling out.” 

I know that many musicians and artists simply pass this off and will continue on with their work, never paying mind to harsh, critical eyes and I applaud them for their strength. I, however, take it personally. 

Maybe that will hurt me in the end. Maybe it’s hurting me now. I worry about being misguided away from integrity and also being viewed in such a way. I also am very mindful of disrespecting supporters. But where is the balance in sustaining happiness for both your supporters and yourself?

It’s not about the music, it’s about what drives us to make that music…

Since I was a small girl, I’ve always dreamt of becoming a singer. Some of my earliest memories include receiving my first karaoke machine, setting a “stage” for myself anywhere I could and singing for anyone who even pretended to listen or care. I sang for the love of music, I sang for the love of singing and of course, I sang for the spotlight. I didn’t have any social mores nor was I trying to spread any sort of message…I was five. I sang for completely selfish reasons because that’s what five year olds do.

So jump to my adolescent years, my love for music and performing had only grown fonder and my view on the world was starting to shift into something fervent with hormonal activity. It was then when I started to really understand why people threw their heart and soul into their music and suddenly, my love for the art had much more substance. With this, I quickly fell in love with any band, artist or musician that stood out to me. Every word sang sank deep into my heart and at an age where I was especially green and responsive, I took it seriously. I trusted these musicians more than…almost anyone. I didn’t even know them as people, I just knew their music.

Lauryn Hill was an exceptionally strong figure for me. Her delicate but full-bodied vocals graced heavenly over the rapping gentlemen who made up the rest of The Fugees. After taking off on a solo career, my respect and love for her remained steadfast as she spouted off lyrics that spoke to both my heart and my head. She was a strong female kicking asses and taking names in an industry run by men and I wanted to be just like her…

…and then I heard it: the rumor circulating in which claimed that Lauryn was racist. The inflammatory remark when she supposedly said that she would rather see children starve than have white people buy her album flipped my stomach inside out. I was thirteen, uber passionate about music, in the process of still constructing own personal standards and meanwhile “going out” with a boy whose skin color was opposite of my own…I tossed every CD and cassette that her name was printed on. I was crushed and infuriated that someone that I held in such high regard could be so heartless and crude. I took it personally as a white girl who purchased her albums and I swore that I would never support her again.

Well, Google didn’t exist then. I did not research to investigate the claims. Whether the rumors held any merit didn’t even cross my mind. I still don’t know the truth nor do I care as I am much more aware of the dangers of public media, how easily words can be misconstrued and the fact that people just say stupid shit. I am totally desensitized at my age today, but I do know that the effect of that situation changed my world.

My case scenario was possibly the best that could happen…it only strengthened my disgust for racial intolerance. However, we all know that the statement that Lauryn did or did not make also had the opposite effect on some of her followers. “If Lauryn hates white people, I should too!”   ….right?

As musicians, we must be mindful of every move we make and word we say. Unless you are absolutely sure that you don’t have a bone in your body that cares about our youth and the future of our society, your words must be meticulous. Even success on a small local scale could easily impact a few hundred teenagers with the instant access that social media provides us today. It’s a large task that not everyone is up to, understandably, but it’s an important one to say the least. Exposure in the public eye comes with responsibilities that, unfortunately, many musicians use irresponsibly. 

As humans, we are bound to make mistakes and it would be extremely difficult to live your life watching every P and Q, but it comes down to basic ethics. I don’t care if you are as musically diverse or as richly versed as Johann Sebastian Bach, if your voice speaks for intolerance, ignorance, greediness or unacceptance of any kind, I can not stand by you. If your personal goals do not strive to enrich humanity or create some kind of community, the music that you make will only reflect that. 

We have to turn things around…I’ll start with myself.

Besides a heat index of 105*, feeling dead while drenched in sweat and lungs feeling bogged down with boulders, I was still awakened with bouts of inspiration. After speaking with musicians that have been enlisted for this trip and really taking a deep look into the enormous amount of work that goes into Warped, that tour seems so ungodly grueling, yet, I would still give anything to be on it. From the long drives, lack of showers/sleep, total exhaustion, performing in ridiculously hot weather with merely one day off out of 50some sounds…perfect!
I did say that this would be the last year that I would attend Warped Tour as a listener and I mean it. Play or bust.

And while writing that last line, I came to realize that I am in sort of a crossroads in my life. As it stands, I can decide to take the easy road out (and by that, I truly mean out), continue to build a solid clientele in the salon, live comfortably on my income, settle down in a nice home and even start a family. The other road is much less dignified. In fact, that shit isn’t even paved. In the pebbles of the gravel lays many uncertainties concerning stability, health, relationships and a fortified future. This road would kamikaze me straight for my dreams.

So I can prance barefoot down the path of least resistance, humming pretty songs all the way to retirement, or I can lace up my fucking boots and scream and shout all the way to music hell.

Nothing has ever enticed me to give up my freedom and we all know that it would take a divine intervention to shut me up, so maybe I never actually had much of a choice how to live…because I could die wondering “what if?” or I can die knowing that I tried.

Time to start hiking. This is going to be a long dirt trail.

To quitting the hair world forever, packing my shears in a box
And throwing up two middle fingers to a career I chose just to pacify my hopes and dreams for a career too uncertain for me to build enough courage to dive into.

I’m about to walk this plank and toss my cosmetology license away and just.play.music.

I usually would have put on some music by now, before my pen touched the paper, but at this moment, all I need to hear are the chirping birds and the trees whispering back to them. Sometimes, the music is just too much. After twenty six years of desperately wanting something, at some point, you have to disconnect yourself from it in order to reconnect with a straight head. And I still don’t why I use the term “want” when I’ve always had it. Music is clearly a part of me, but I’ve always desired to stretch that part another inch…

So now things are seemingly promising and while nothing grand has happened yet, I feel another change on the horizon. A year ago, I wasn’t sure where I would be standing now. Two years ago, I only dreamt of coming this far and four years ago when I left Their Teeth Will Be of Lions, I would have thought it impossible to actually be in this position. But here I am, writing music that I love and truly believe in with three guys who feel the same way. I am not controlled in any way-no one is rewriting my lyrics, directing my melodies, telling me what to wear or pushing me around. In fact, I’ve got the greatest, most genuine hard-working partner I could ask for. Without him, I’m not sure how I would have the strength to make my dreams materialize. Without him, we wouldn’t be here today.

It’s crazy. Everything could fall apart without a moment’s notice, but I’m confident that we can get through anything. We just need to stay positive and keep treading in this direction-making music and delivering messages that we believe while reaching out to those who stand by that. It’s a long road but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I do feel like I’m growing past my prime but I’m starting to understand that all the time that has passed was really worth something. I wasn’t ready then. My mind was not strong enough or prepared for what’s to come.

But I’m ready now. 

What are your favorite Glassjaw songs? What would you just HAVE to hear at a Glassjaw show?

It’s what I seem to live by. With an unfaltering inclination to follow my impulse, I try to do so without the hindrance of fear. Thankfully, my parents raised me to be strong and driven and reminded me often that I could be anything I wanted to be because they would always protect me. And what a security blanket that was-just enough sugar to add to the strength; just enough bitterness to drive the soul to change. 

Some people don’t understand why I can be so rough around the edges…outspoken and often uncensored; friendly and sweet but stubborn and cold. It’s a paradox that I’m well aware of and I’ve often heard “complicated” used as an adjective to describe my personality, but I prefer “multi-faceted.” Truth is, I’m guarded. Aren’t we all? I’m human…I’ve got secrets and emotions that I store away while simultaneously reaching out for companionship. I want to be connected but not  too connected.

This is what makes music and writing so special to me. When words are written and lyrics are sung (or screamed or shouted), an unspoken dialogue is shared between the reader and the writer or the listener and the musician. Within this dialogue, we can communicate without filter and interact without hesitation. This is when past and future lose importance and it’s only the present that we live through. No matter the subject, pure emotion ebbs and flows between each other and we become enveloped in love, lust, rage, regret, despair, anguish, arousal, ecstasy, gratitude and wonder and in that moment, we have a license to just feel. We don’t have to think. It’s pure honesty and what could be stronger that that?

We’re too scared. For the short amount of time we walk this earth, we sure don’t appreciate the power that we have to make our life something truly remarkable. We mull over shit too much. We spend too much time questioning ourselves instead of questioning those in power. We should be speaking and breathing with pure intention and be extremely skeptical of those who don’t. We should be honest with ourselves and honest with each other, because we are only as weak as our closed lips.

I was thinking today about how fucking sad it is that the world teaches us to be deceitful.  In the past, I’ve used the phrase “Fake it until you make it.” without ever really giving it too much thought. Working in the beauty industry for the last ten years has exposed me to some of the most arrogent, money-hungry, image-obsessed, narcissistic individuals that I could only dream of meeting. It’s no wonder they have to wear a mask-they can’t honestly show their client that the service they are providing isn’t actually meant to benefit the customer, but instead feed the stylist’s or business owner’s ego. I know, we all have to eat and in this world, you’ve got to work for that, but our career’s often go far beyond supporting our family. Maybe most of us can’t help but to follow the insatiable herd and to be able to do that, we have to “fake it until [we] make it.” … because if you can’t beat them, you might as well enjoy a beer with them and then stab them in the back when they turn around join them, right?

Well I don’t want to be a part of that. One of the reasons I dont want to have children of my own is because I know that there are millions of people already alive that are sick of the status quo and are waiting for someone to inspire them to push through. They are waiting for the same support that my parents gave to me to create a movement.

I know my calling, I just have to muster up that same strength. Maybe I’ll never cause direct change or be remarkable myself, but I hope that I can at least help someone else to turn this ship around.

Trial and Error. Let’s see what I can make work. 

One song in which every time you hear that first chord or progression, your heart stops and wherever your mind was headed, it makes an about turn and you’re suddenly backtracking. Into last week, last year, high school days or your worst fear, no matter where you are physically, emotionally you are misplaced to a familiar time, surrounded by familiar faces. And it’s so bittersweet-like your first real love and your hardest heartbreak. Even if ten years have passed and your memories lack bits and pieces, your heart makes up the rest. You may not remember every single word of those lyrics, but you couldn’t forget the way that you sink further into your seat each time that song throws you into reverie. You may not remember the details of your past, but you’ll never forget how long that heartache lasted.

At some point you’ll come to realize that as long as that song still exists, so will your ties.

“You may have an uncontrollable urge to shout your message from the top of a mountain, but you would be better off just getting on with the work that needs to be done. Your efforts aren’t necessarily in creating something new; instead, do whatever you can to heal your current situation. Build a solid foundation right where you are standing, even if opportunity opens a door to someplace else.”

I haven’t kept up with astrology in a long time. So when I felt inspired to search for some today, I expected only to find some vague dialogue that couldn’t even half satisfy me. The first and only horoscope I found, however, sank like a rock deep in my gut. Lately, I’ve been feeling so terribly discouraged with my ability in music, in writing, in performing and all the work around the band, it would be a lie if I said that I didn’t have thoughts of searching for a new route. Recording in the past had been fun and helped to strengthen my connection with the band and hear my vocals in a positive light…made me excited to release and share with the world something that I value the most: my dreams. However, this time the road is darker. The road is rockier and somewhere in my travels, I lost my fire. And suddenly, I hate everything that I’m doing.

So this weak mindset only makes me weaker and scares the hell out of me…all I want to do is start over in a new place; create a new face. But that’s not what should be done. I need to lace up my bootstraps and get back to work.

That’s the worst thing about always believing that you’re right…when you don’t like something about yourself or what you do, you’re certain that no one else will either.

Just get it done.