It’s what I seem to live by. With an unfaltering inclination to follow my impulse, I try to do so without the hindrance of fear. Thankfully, my parents raised me to be strong and driven and reminded me often that I could be anything I wanted to be because they would always protect me. And what a security blanket that was-just enough sugar to add to the strength; just enough bitterness to drive the soul to change. 

Some people don’t understand why I can be so rough around the edges…outspoken and often uncensored; friendly and sweet but stubborn and cold. It’s a paradox that I’m well aware of and I’ve often heard “complicated” used as an adjective to describe my personality, but I prefer “multi-faceted.” Truth is, I’m guarded. Aren’t we all? I’m human…I’ve got secrets and emotions that I store away while simultaneously reaching out for companionship. I want to be connected but not  too connected.

This is what makes music and writing so special to me. When words are written and lyrics are sung (or screamed or shouted), an unspoken dialogue is shared between the reader and the writer or the listener and the musician. Within this dialogue, we can communicate without filter and interact without hesitation. This is when past and future lose importance and it’s only the present that we live through. No matter the subject, pure emotion ebbs and flows between each other and we become enveloped in love, lust, rage, regret, despair, anguish, arousal, ecstasy, gratitude and wonder and in that moment, we have a license to just feel. We don’t have to think. It’s pure honesty and what could be stronger that that?

We’re too scared. For the short amount of time we walk this earth, we sure don’t appreciate the power that we have to make our life something truly remarkable. We mull over shit too much. We spend too much time questioning ourselves instead of questioning those in power. We should be speaking and breathing with pure intention and be extremely skeptical of those who don’t. We should be honest with ourselves and honest with each other, because we are only as weak as our closed lips.

I was thinking today about how fucking sad it is that the world teaches us to be deceitful.  In the past, I’ve used the phrase “Fake it until you make it.” without ever really giving it too much thought. Working in the beauty industry for the last ten years has exposed me to some of the most arrogent, money-hungry, image-obsessed, narcissistic individuals that I could only dream of meeting. It’s no wonder they have to wear a mask-they can’t honestly show their client that the service they are providing isn’t actually meant to benefit the customer, but instead feed the stylist’s or business owner’s ego. I know, we all have to eat and in this world, you’ve got to work for that, but our career’s often go far beyond supporting our family. Maybe most of us can’t help but to follow the insatiable herd and to be able to do that, we have to “fake it until [we] make it.” … because if you can’t beat them, you might as well enjoy a beer with them and then stab them in the back when they turn around join them, right?

Well I don’t want to be a part of that. One of the reasons I dont want to have children of my own is because I know that there are millions of people already alive that are sick of the status quo and are waiting for someone to inspire them to push through. They are waiting for the same support that my parents gave to me to create a movement.

I know my calling, I just have to muster up that same strength. Maybe I’ll never cause direct change or be remarkable myself, but I hope that I can at least help someone else to turn this ship around.

Trial and Error. Let’s see what I can make work. 

One song in which every time you hear that first chord or progression, your heart stops and wherever your mind was headed, it makes an about turn and you’re suddenly backtracking. Into last week, last year, high school days or your worst fear, no matter where you are physically, emotionally you are misplaced to a familiar time, surrounded by familiar faces. And it’s so bittersweet-like your first real love and your hardest heartbreak. Even if ten years have passed and your memories lack bits and pieces, your heart makes up the rest. You may not remember every single word of those lyrics, but you couldn’t forget the way that you sink further into your seat each time that song throws you into reverie. You may not remember the details of your past, but you’ll never forget how long that heartache lasted.

At some point you’ll come to realize that as long as that song still exists, so will your ties.

“You may have an uncontrollable urge to shout your message from the top of a mountain, but you would be better off just getting on with the work that needs to be done. Your efforts aren’t necessarily in creating something new; instead, do whatever you can to heal your current situation. Build a solid foundation right where you are standing, even if opportunity opens a door to someplace else.”

I haven’t kept up with astrology in a long time. So when I felt inspired to search for some today, I expected only to find some vague dialogue that couldn’t even half satisfy me. The first and only horoscope I found, however, sank like a rock deep in my gut. Lately, I’ve been feeling so terribly discouraged with my ability in music, in writing, in performing and all the work around the band, it would be a lie if I said that I didn’t have thoughts of searching for a new route. Recording in the past had been fun and helped to strengthen my connection with the band and hear my vocals in a positive light…made me excited to release and share with the world something that I value the most: my dreams. However, this time the road is darker. The road is rockier and somewhere in my travels, I lost my fire. And suddenly, I hate everything that I’m doing.

So this weak mindset only makes me weaker and scares the hell out of me…all I want to do is start over in a new place; create a new face. But that’s not what should be done. I need to lace up my bootstraps and get back to work.

That’s the worst thing about always believing that you’re right…when you don’t like something about yourself or what you do, you’re certain that no one else will either.

Just get it done.

I actually will celebrate Christmas with my family when I don’t believe in God, but I won’t go all out on a holiday that is carved out for Love? 

Sure, it’s a Hallmark creation used to make a profit, but isn’t that exactly what they did with Christmas? But on a much LARGER scale with religion in general, be that a monetary profit or one of power instead? 

This needs to be switched around. Because I don’t believe in God, but I do believe in Love. I came to this conclusion a bit too late this year, but from here on out, my friends and family won’t be getting gifts on Christmas, but instead, they’ll be showered with love on Valentine’s Day. 

And also, we need a music holiday, because who DOESN’T believe in music?!?!

than other bands and musicians with the same dream as you, who have been in your position before, write other bands off by refusing any local acts to open up for them.

And for a “Christian” band…that’s pretty whack and not very Christ-like.

I’m just generally angry about the lack of respect in the music industry. In performers. In listeners. In general. I’m angry that some so called “musicians” in these trendy metalcore bands are all the rage. And you know, some of these musicians are tremendously talented and intelligent, and they may even desire to take a different approach to their music, but the vast majority of them follow this trend because they know it will put them in the spotlight. They know that their merchandise will be put up on Hot Topic’s wall as soon as you can say “sellout”. 

The other huge wave that has been devouring our bars and clubs in the last few years is indie folk pop. I actually enjoy a lot of these acts, but how many of them sound EXACTLY the same? 

And punk…I don’t proclaim to be an expert in this subject (i know how touchy you hardcore kids are) but I could go on for days about the new wave of punk and hardcore emerging above ground these days. And now with the reunion of Verse, Refused and At The Drive In, (and maybe I’m over-ambitious when I say this) the punk scene has potential like we haven’t seen since the genre was born in the early 80’s. I owe so much of my inspiration to bands that stem from this, but the fact that respect is near to non-existent in this community for other genre’s of music or bands in the SAME community makes me want nothing to do with this highbrow crowd. 

The punk kids hate the metal kids. The metal kids hate the punk kids. The folk-inspired hipsters who are hung up on these God damn bands that have predominantly tried to recreate the 60’s while fashionably representing the early 90’s snub and talk shit about everyone who isn’t like them. Fuck you. Oppress your feelings, pretend like anger isn’t an emotion that you were doomed with and keep your intellectual noses in the air under your thick rimmed glasses, spitting on anyone who has the nerve to admit that they really didn’t see that one band in that one basement before they were mentioned in that one magazine. By the way, your “subculture” is obviously not so alternative if half of your generation looks like you. 

I don’t get it. Where is the vision? Why are we still bowing down to unoriginal versions of the same band we’ve seen 467 times? I’m just angry and I won’t pretend that I’m above this. I’m not. We’re not.

And I’m still outraged by the gender issue. Just because I was blessed with a uterus does not mean that I can’t throw down. In fact, my estrogen gives me more fire than most of my male counterparts. My body was created to endure the pain of bearing another human being; I can handle myself. The fact that I am judged strictly because of my sex pushes me to work even harder to prove that maybe I am a maniac. 

The comparisions. THE COMPARISONS.

“You’re like Everytime I Die but with a chick!” Fuck you. We’re like Fine Fine Titans. Look, you may mean that as a compliment, and trust me, we love the music that band creates. However, I’m sure Everytime I Die would not appreciate the 12+ years they’ve spent evolving their sound to be used as an association to a band that’s only been together for a year and a half that actually doesn’t sound remotely like them. 

“Haley Williams” What? Really? A mainstream, pop-punk band with strictly clean vocals? I really adore her, but the only thing I have in common with Haley Williams is that we’re both chicks. WEIRD, RIGHT?! 

I get it. People tend to analyze music and correlate it to the sounds their ears have heard before. Vision also has a lot to do with this, unfortunately. We just LOVE to compare, contrast and criticize anything we think have a small knowledge base on. It’s human nature. I appreciate when people try to compliment us using identifiable bands, but I know the pendulum swings both ways. So seriously, stop comparing. Turn off that folder in your head that you’ve filed every band you’ve ever heard in and stay in the moment with us.

Sure, call me a hypocrite because I just said that a million bands sound the same and then yell “don’t you dare say we sound like this band!” It’s true. I’m a hypocrite, maybe. However, my goal is not to mimic the sound of other’s, so if it does, we’ve failed.

At least I’m trying. We’re trying. 

Or does it sneak up on you in blooms of yellow and bright green? Do you go from the dark, dead of winter and all the sudden, without a clear realization of how or when it happened, you’re shading yourself under a beautiful Box Elder from the sun that refuses to set until 9pm? 

This weekend was truly a blessing. It all happened so fast and unexpectedly, but I really couldn’t thank the world enough for conspiring towards us to make shit happen. I feel like I owe that much more of myself, my music, my performance and my love to the people who believe in what we do. We received some outstanding compliments this weekend that have left me blushing still. I have also read a few non-stellar things about us and myself in particular, which seems that I wouldn’t be pleased with, but bad press is still PRESS! So I can deal with it. 

When I am on stage with a microphone and a room full of people glaring at us, I morph into my true form. Everything you see is everything I am. I, even at my most vulnerable, adopt the strongest part of my being and let nothing hold me back. However, I’ve really got some things I need to work on after the fact. Feeling self-conscious about how I look in photographs or how I sound on recordings is going to cripple everything that I have worked so fucking hard for if I don’t find a way to change the things I can and accept what I cannot.

We’ve got some promising opportunities that appear to be in arms reach…we just have to reach a little further. I need to be sure that I prepare myself with everything that I have.

Metal Evolution: “Grunge” just reinstated my excitement for music. Yeah, it was 20 years ago, but have you heard the shit music that’s been out since then?! We (as in you and your band, my band and I) are on a mission and were going to use our influences, be it punk, hardcore, metal or grunge, to change the scene.

Really though, what is music’s purpose if not to be the one tangible thing that we can always rely on to invoke emotion, create energy and move the spirit? We all cling to a different religion or none at all. We each have a different approach to art or none at all, but who on earth can say that there is not one type of music that they embrace? One genre or sound - even the music that the ocean waves create when they crash to the shore - that doesn’t build feeling or whisper peacefulness to them? Even the hearing impaired have learned to feel music and that could possibly reach light years beyond what we feel.

As Dashboard Confessional came up on Shuffle today, my first thought was not that my tastes no longer care for the music, but instead, I was immediately brought back to that seventeen, eighteen, nineteen year old me. The one that desperately reached for any kind of belonging, stability and identity. I find it so odd how you can forget such feelings so rapidly and maybe even completely until that one song, that one album, that one voice or band can bring you back in two seconds flat. In that moment, you transcend time and those last six or seven years have meant nothing at all.

Hearing that song is like seeing your best friend after ten years of not speaking and starting up exactly where you left off, without a flinch or a second thought.

Sweet nostalgia; bittersweet nostalgia. Music is both a blessing and a curse: a blessing because nothing in the world is better than it and a curse because nothing in the world will ever be better than it.

So often, we talk about making music for ourselves. Whether it be a form of release, self-reflection, therapy or just a way to communicate when simple words cannot convey the complex inner workings of our mind, we write to express ourselves. However, if it were true that we solely write to pacify our need for personal gratification, why would we ever release our recordings? Why would we create a blog, publish our words, display our work or perform our music? You say you only write music for yourself? Well, we know that you’re only sticking your nose in the air to avoid smelling your own bullshit.

This truth seems to only make up a fraction of why any artist does what he or she does. We create to connect, because our survival instincts have instilled in us that in order to get by in life, we cannot do it alone. Mother Nature insists that to sustain life past our own, we must pro-create to build a community. 

I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel that my purpose in life is to spawn new creatures into an already over-populated, poisoned world. Instead of having a maternal clock, I was gifted with the inherent desire to create meaning for my existence and leave a legacy in other ways. And so, I’ve chosen to do that through music.

So we create to express, connect and hopefully leave a legacy. How do we accomplish that? Who do we want to connect with and how do we want to impact them?

Obviously, the “musician” who only enters the industry to gain admiration does, in fact, exist and unfortunately, the mass encourages the major labels to breed money-hungry, sex selling pop bunnies to get their fill of fame and fortune. Along with many other blood-sucking industry heavyweights, they do this for themselves. However, the underground (and not-so-underground) music scene is full of artists who want to make some form of positive impact on a more selfless level, but have little means to do so. Maybe instead of sleepwalking through the world, asking ourselves how to make an impact, we should delve deeper into “who?” and “why?”

“How” is easy. Sell yourself. Sell your mind, your body, your soul and you’ll be fine, wallowing away in your own misery, unaffected by the rest of the world. Good for you! You did this for yourself! But as soon as you ask yourself, “why do I make music? What am I trying to convey?” you may find yourself falling short with only pennies to spare.

So, as one musician to the next, I encourage you! In fact, I dare you to ask yourself: “Who will care? Who will my music, my art and my message affect?”

If the answer is only you, you’re doing it wrong.

straight from my livejournal:

…Could it be that music is the only thing for me? I have known that all my life, but never has it come to the point where I know for a fact that doing anything else will absolutely bore me to tears…

I want to start a band. I dont want [the] band to make it big, I dont want [the] band to get involved with a record label, I just want to make music. I want to surround myself with people that want to do the same. I want to knock back into that creative side of me…actually gain some motivation.

That’s what Chris Guillebeau says. Choose a side and know why you are choosing it. Also choose an audience. Decide who is a good fit and who is not. 

Lady Gaga constantly talks about how she was bullied for being such an outcast; I understand that marketing now. With that, she’s gained millions of outcasted individuals as fans and they are loyal because they think they can relate. In reality, they can’t. She’s a million dollar pop star with a vast talent in music to boot. She’s extremely hard working, well traveled with superstar access to the world’s most longed after material items, but the most substantial reason she’s not like them is because she has power over them. She doesn’t just set the trends, she magically creates them. Yet these kids relate because she tells them to. She keeps their attention because she demands it. She doesn’t ask, she commands. She’s a strong leader but masks that fact by sharing with the world her insecurities. 

So I asked myself, who is my target audience? 

Teenagers.

I’ve always wanted to publish my journals, adopt a young teen and share with them my experiences so hopefully they can relate and find a way to better their lives. Connect through my music, my lyrics, my poetry…anything. 

Dreamers. Visionaries.

Those who know they have something special but are too stifled by conservative mindsets in a corporate world to let themselves flourish.

The heartbroken.

Those who want so badly to overcome tragedies and monstrosities or just move on from the one who hurt them. 

The hopeless.

But what can I do for them? What can my music possibly do for them?

Inspire. Influence them to find confidence. Motivate them to stay strong. Teach them that anger is okay, but there are ways to convert that negative energy into positive energy. Show them that our world is not perfect or ideal, nor will it ever be, but we are the arms that can make this world work for us.

At least entertain them. Help them to escape for just a brief moment in time.

Isn’t it true? What we lack in courage, we make up for in judgement.

Refuse to be a critic. As I grow more confident as a creator, I find more strength in my connection to other artists. As I become more comfortable in my own skin, I see beauty in other’s. We all have something to offer.

I call myself a creator because I can’t quite call myself a musician, nor a writer. I am not just one, I am both. I also create other things, but the most important creation to me is my voice. Not the sounds that come from the vibration of my vocal folds, but the voice as a collaboration of my written thoughts paired with music, used as a tool to reach. My voice and a collective voice.

It’s not totally understood why I place so much emphasis on this voice. Maybe because my entire life I have found it easier to put my pen to paper instead of opening my mouth. It’s been difficult to wear my heart on my sleeve and connect with other’s. Always a communication barrier; a wall of brick and mortar. Although with age, it seems to get easier but it’s still an uphill battle. So for me, it’s pertinent to overcome these obstacles for others and hope that I can overcome them myself.

There is no doubt that I focus my energy on my music and writing even when most probably think that I should be devoting my time to building my business in the salon. But hair is just that: a minuscule form of art that only incorporates a fraction of creativity that my mind and heart can give. It’s my trade. Music is, and always will be, my heart. Writing is my work. Performing is my passion. Connecting to people is my driving force. My work is fueled by the chance to overcome all language barriers to unite souls like puzzle pieces. 

So I am called to share this. I am called to reach out and spread my compassion to other’s. If I can inspire one person to be a better human, to love themselves, respect their peers, love and cherish animals and their relationships and dive deep into their passions no matter what, my work has been rewarded. But the job is never finished - I will work until my hands collapse and my voice box bleeds.

Momentum. Such a great word. Something we must keep. But it must be a controlled motion; a slow, steady burn of a candle, not a holiday sparkler. Those sparklers only come once a year and will dazzle your eyes for a mere 45 seconds until we move onto the next. But that candle? We leave it out year round, adopt it as a daily routine and a regular fixture in our homes. That’s what I want to be. I hope for longevity, not to be remembered as a quick fling. I want to reside in the subconscious of my receivers.

Good work takes time. Hard work is a lifestyle.  Only support from here on out. 

Please check it out, if you have the time. Post-hardcore from Grand Rapids, Michigan. We’ve been working really hard in the last year and we’ve got so much more to give.