It is strange how the world sort of seems to conspire together to make things happen or keep them from happening. I still don’t know if I would be considered a spiritual person or not-I’m skeptical. Are there coincidences? I believe in the power of hard work and passion. I believe in ghosts. I believe that our dreams try to speak to us…but I only believe what I want to believe. It doesn’t mean that it’s true or that my beliefs hold merit, and that’s the beauty in it.

I call myself an atheist because I deny the existence or one or multiple gods. Since I’ve reached this conclusion for myself, I’ve focused more clearly on living in the now. The disbelief has revved up my drive because I recognize that this one life-this one chance-is all I have. I could die tomorrow that that’s it. My loved ones could die tomorrow and that’s that. It’s helped me to cherish today and live for my family and myself instead of living for a God or for an afterlife. Instead of thinking in terms of heaven and hell/good and evil, it’s easier for me to see people for who they are and looking past what they do…so instead of writing them off, I give them a second chance, a third chance, a fourth… 

I feel more powerful because I am living by my own rules instead of the rules of another.

I’m not saying that believing in a religion is wrong. I have a great deal of loved ones in my life who have turned their lives around by living in faith. If that’s what you need to do to lead a happy, meaningful life, by all means, keep believing!

I’ve been quite dogmatic in my beliefs in the past-strongly suggesting that religion can be very harmful. While I still believe that organized religion is, faith is a completely seperate idea. Faith comes in worlds of different forms and I don’t see anything wrong with having it. I happen to have faith in Mother Nature, the power of education, the power of music/art and that people are inherently good. I could be wrong about all of the above but my faith has certainly enriched my life.

I don’t know. This blog probably would have read much differently if written last week during a spike in hormones…or even this morning before I had my coffee.

What do we really know, anyway?

To Whom This May Concern:

Perhaps there is sound reason for our slow motion,
lost in translation in the curves of our rotation.
I missed the best part when I bowed over in frustration
and we lost ourselves in the colors of our infatuation.

Please push me a little further;
if you’re real God, I need you here.
Remind me that when we’ve reached the bottom,
it’s only fear that we should fear.

I suppose there is a plan to perpetuate
the innocence of our father’s faith.
Well, I’m begging and pleading for one unlikely sign
to prove the merit of waiting alone in this line.

Please grant me a little patience;
if you’re true, God, I need your hand
to help me build the courage to bridge my apprehension.

There is no mystery in my struggle to find
a definitive answer in the pages bound to your follower’s hands,
but the crisp autumn breeze and a canine’s pure loyalty
speak truth more coherently than any book can.
If it’s fact that there are more stars in the universe
than grains of sand on this earth,
it’s despairing that as small as our problem’s are,
we still manage to put ourselves first.
But our equations are consistently lacking one variable
that instinctively guides our feet away from catastrophe.
If your presence is intrinsic to this, God, please
level with me, and I’ll be honest when I say:
despite my tendency to question your possibility
I’ll keep my eyes open in probability.

Just please be fair with me, I need the atheist to rest in peace.

“Human beings like to have one foot with God and the other with darkness…most people want Divine beings to do the spiritual work for them-that’s why they give their religious institutions money, so their rabbis, priests, or swamis will pray for them.” -Kelly Cutrone

You know, I have no problem with taking a stand. In fact, I highly encourage others to be brave enough to step outside of their comfort zone and show the world what they believe. However, the salesmanship persona really irks me. The one where we sweeten up our vocabulary and insert personal blessings to soften someone up and then either tell a barefaced lie or ask for a monetary contribution. It’s sneaky and a tremendous risk to take if your goal includes gaining followers at all.

The information age has really done a deal in creating wiser generations.  With the answer to any question literally at the tips of our fingers, it’s no mystery why children have become increasingly more defiant. Why they (we) are stronger know-it-alls than ever! So these tactics that car dealerships, furniture stores and thousands of religious institutions have used forever are falling apart and will one day no longer be effective. Further more (and call me a snobby know-it-all myself), not only will we not buy the bullshit, but frankly, it’s going to piss us off. We are not ignorant and we’re much more educated than we look to be.

This struck me in the face last night when I received an email from a woman who I no longer speak with, asking for my money to fund a mission trip. This upset me on so many levels. Not because I have an issue with Christianity, I’ve had a lot of personal revelations, falling-outs and ideas about organized religion, but I am not opposed to people using their belief’s to help and nurture those who need it. I am also not opposed to donating money to someone who is set out on a large task-whether for personal gratification or for a greater good. I believe everyone should be given a chance. However, I do not agree with a mass email sent out to everybody in her contact list asking for money to fund this mission trip without taking into consideration the state of the economy, her relationship with the recipients of the email or lastly, their faith and personal life. Perhaps she could have avoided any discrepancies if she grouped her address book into “professional,” “friends and family,” and “church.” Perhaps this is a bit more of a personal issue between us.

If you couldn’t have guessed, I fall under the “professional” category, where for a few months, I was paying her to give me vocal training sessions. For the duration of our sessions, she was taking my hard earned cash each week to not actually stretch my vocal skill, but to instead find ways to talk about God and all that he has done for us (me). She videotaped me singing to use it as an advertisement for her “vocal business” on various social media outlets (I still had to pay for that lesson which she used up to record this). She asked me to sing with her at Church and at a funeral. She handed me secular songs to “learn” in which all spoke about the wonders of God. It didn’t take me long to figure out that her mission was not to teach about proper breathing and vocal techniques, but to instead shove her faith down my throat and get me into her church. She utilized me as a tool without ever asking what my actual belief’s were. She took my money each week and gave me nothing but the word of God in return. After I broke business with her, she wheeled and dealed me on salon services for her and her daughters and was appalled when I actually charged her at the salon, and then never spoke with me again.

I just find it so amazing how hypocrisy grows like mold. Frankly, I think religion is a crock of shit, but this has absolutely nothing to do with my spiritual belief’s. Wouldn’t it just make a little more sense to be upfront and honest? If someone were to approach me with a sincere wish to educate me about something, be it the great Divine, Scientology or a even a fucking stainless steel soup pot, I’d be much more inclined to listen and respect their mission than if they were to send me a passive agressive email saying “God LOVES you and through you, we can advance the kingdom with your one time gift or monthly support!!!”

Seriously, if you want to spread your passion for something you hold in highest regards, do not put it up for sale. Why would you put a monetary value on your Lord and Savior?

It’s not quiet enough out here.
There is beauty in the trees but
I can’t seem to find peace
in my soul.

The music sings, but does she?

Everything breathes life around me:
a gentle breeze whispering serenity,
leaves dancing while birds chant their melodies
ever so softly.
Blades of grass trembling while
the sun speaks to a trickling creek, glistening.
If I sit still enough, for just a few moments as least,
through the wood of the park bench,
I can even feel a subtle throbbing of a heart beat.

The flow of electrons surrounding my body
should force me to feel instinctively alive;
but I’m stone inside.
Paralyzed by fear of losing everything.
Stiffened by self-doubt; silenced by worry.

It’s not that I feel I’ve worked so hard to get to
where I need to be; quite the contrary.
In fact, it’s the fear that I haven’t given everything in me
to make this work.
It’s being on the brink of something beautiful,
something achievable,
and losing the race of that swinging pendulum.

I’m terrified that I’ll let go.
That everything I’ve dreamt up
will sink and fade and bury my hope.

I love too strongly.
My infatuation: debilitating.
My passion is a weapon that will
ultimately end me.

But if I can’t make use of my time the way
I was designed to do so,
what’s the point in living?
what is my purpose for breathing?
I don’t want to feel emptiness.
I don’t want to yield resistance.
I can’t let the world kill me this way.

She’s afraid of public speaking.
He’s afraid of rejection.
She’s scared of insanity
and it’s not perfection he seeks,
but the chance of things never
getting better that he’s afraid to see.

So how do we improve things?
How do we think differently
to divert our minds from absurdity?
If we reject our fears and
take back the steering wheel,
will we be able to sing to our family
from the passenger seat?
will we be proud to speak our thoughts
and communicate effectively?

or will we break?
will we lose faith in everything
we were bound to create?

My worst fear is falling.
Falling from heights so high
that my heart collapses and I
lose sight of everything
I set myself up to be.
I’m petrified to the core-
freezing the marrow of my bones-
that I’ll always be just two
steps out of reach.
My dreams of flying are reoccurring
in my conscious and in my sleep.
I’m terrified to lose those wings.

But, I guess when you’ve reached the bottom
there is nowhere to go but up?
At least, that’s what they tell us.
But I was taught differently.
I was told to question everything.
But it seems that maybe my questioning
is becoming a mere disability,
because I have found no greater contradiction
than faithfulness and intimidation.

©Jennifer Bartlett 2011

To whom this may concern:

Perhaps there is sound reason for our slow motion;

Lost in translation in the curves of our rotation.

I missed the best part when I bowed over in frustration

and we lost ourselves in the colors of our infatuation.

Please push me a little further.

If you’re real, God, I need you here.

Remind me that when we’ve reached the bottom

it’s only fear that we should fear.

I suppose there is a plan to perpetuate

the innocence of our father’s faith.

Well, I’m begging and pleading for one unlikely sign

to prove the merit of waiting alone in this line.

Please grant me a little patience.

If you’re true, God, I need your hand

to help me build the courage 

to build my apprehension.

There is no mystery in my struggle to find

a definitive answer in the pages bound to your follower’s hands,

but the crisp autumn breeze and a canine’s pure loyalty

speak truth more coherently than any book can.

If it’s a fact that there are more stars in the universe

than grains of sand on this earth

it’s disparingly plausible that as small as our problems are

we still manage to put ourselves first.

But our equations are consistantly lacking

one variable that guides our feet away from catastrophe.

If your presence is intristic to this, God, please be fair with me,

and I’ll be honest when I say that despite my tendency

to question your possibility,

I’ll keep my eyes open in probability.

Just please be fair with me. 

I need this atheist to rest in peace.

heaven and hell form a different kind of reflection;

the kind that we rest our feet upon chance of destruction.

there is only one thing in between each platform of disease

and that’s the earth that we carelessly, recklessly, so desperately cling to.

what more could we ask?

that the devil himself make a pass?

and the king, gracious as the sparkling sea,

take us upon such pitiful plea?

we must not forget who brought us such fruit and

who graciously peeled us away from our sole-less, soul-less frigid boots.

for our hands are far too meek and much too weak

to hold back tears when the purgatory speaks.

I suppose it’s quite superstitious and borderline psychotic to believe that the more I write in a negative tone and let darkness in, the more it seems to come to life around me. Or am I just allowing myself to be more susceptible of it?

There is violence looming over Grand Rapids right now. This small city that seemed rather safe and happier than it’s neighboring Michigan cities now seems to be deteriorating from the outside in. Guns continue to ruin lives, so why is it that we can’t lock this down? Yes, it’s true that guns don’t kill people and that it’s people that kill people, but guns sure do make it a lot easier. It’s just fucking frightening.

You know what is also frightening? Cancer. A tenacious disease that offers no mercy and makes it possible for anyone to get it at any time.

Yesterday I found out that my grandfather has cancer of the brain and the bladder. I can’t explain the wretch of a feeling it was to hear my father mumble it to me. Through the pin-sized phone speaker, I could feel the golf ball in my dads throat and the tremble in his hands as he told me that the only parent he has left is going to die soon. Could be months, could be years, but nothing seems worse than to watch your loved ones grow sicker each day and having absolutely no control of the situation.

Hardships such as these help me to understand why so many people turn to faith and religion to help guide them through.

…because if everything is shoved out of your hands, who do you look to with trust to make things bearable? I suppose it also makes it easier to pass off the blame, because people fear most what they can’t comprehend.

And isn’t that true? We’re all control-obsessed to some degree and if we can’t understand an idea, we lose grip. And so if someone gives us an ounce of hope and paints a pretty picture of a bright light, we grab onto it no matter how much truth it bears. We just want things to be okay, even if a complete lie is going to help us get there.

I am not saying religion is bogus or Christianity is a lie. The truth is, I don’t know what I believe, but I do know that I have suspicions. I would love to turn off my vigorous intuition and force a stop to my incessant desire to question everything long enough to just have faith - but I am a lady of facts. I seek to understand.

And maybe I’ve just come full circle to a massive contradiction. Or perhaps I’ve come up with a new theory…

I said earlier that people fear most what they don’t understand. I feel that I’ve counteracted that statement when I implied that people find comfort in the unknown and relief in belief. But maybe there are just different people.

It’s possible that there are people who fear the unknown so they turn it away and build a brick wall so they don’t have to face it. Then there are people who are unsure or uneasy of the things they don’t understand but are willing and eager to seek the truth. And then there are the faithful. Those who are often mislabeled as ignorant but really just believe altruistically. Surely there are sub-categories and deviants within each, but for the most part, it seems easy to categorize people this way.

And isn’t that what I’m always trying to do? Categorize everything and everyone? Because if I can organize my life, I can organize my emotions. Break them down to compartmentalize so it’s easier for me to cope.

And this is how I’m coping with the darkness that this July has doomed us with.

The sunshine is such a lie.

…but it’s okay, because that sunshine is helping people to get through the day.