“You may have an uncontrollable urge to shout your message from the top of a mountain, but you would be better off just getting on with the work that needs to be done. Your efforts aren’t necessarily in creating something new; instead, do whatever you can to heal your current situation. Build a solid foundation right where you are standing, even if opportunity opens a door to someplace else.”

I haven’t kept up with astrology in a long time. So when I felt inspired to search for some today, I expected only to find some vague dialogue that couldn’t even half satisfy me. The first and only horoscope I found, however, sank like a rock deep in my gut. Lately, I’ve been feeling so terribly discouraged with my ability in music, in writing, in performing and all the work around the band, it would be a lie if I said that I didn’t have thoughts of searching for a new route. Recording in the past had been fun and helped to strengthen my connection with the band and hear my vocals in a positive light…made me excited to release and share with the world something that I value the most: my dreams. However, this time the road is darker. The road is rockier and somewhere in my travels, I lost my fire. And suddenly, I hate everything that I’m doing.

So this weak mindset only makes me weaker and scares the hell out of me…all I want to do is start over in a new place; create a new face. But that’s not what should be done. I need to lace up my bootstraps and get back to work.

That’s the worst thing about always believing that you’re right…when you don’t like something about yourself or what you do, you’re certain that no one else will either.

Just get it done.

Grand Rapids has my body;
the road has my heart.

Spread my wings just to see what becomes of me.
How is it that my hands can feel the clouds
When my feet still drag on the ground?
Kicking up soil of sweet nostalgia,
Reaching to my lips, a confectionery’s bitterness.
The truth is, I’m not sure how I’ve come to this.
When your head can feel the breeze that
The soles of your feet cannot,
The mid-space; the commonplace
Becomes shallow and vast. Too difficult to get past.
It’s where our bodies get stuck when our
Souls refuse to meet our hearts-
Or the other way around-
We cannot commit to the skies or
The sturdiness of solid ground.
So we float in this
Mid-space; commonplace.
For eternity, we may never leave
When our dreams are misplaced
in a world too colossal for our eyes to seek.

The truth is…
The truth is…

Some do exist who fly beyond this midway abyss.
And if you can catch them in flight
And pay attention to the astonishing sight,
You’ll see their struggle to lift above is not
Robust enough to crush their undying love for
The skies,
And their wings only pulse harder with
Fervent drive
In attempts to see their dreams materialize.

The truth is
(And I’ll whisper softly, this)
If you learn of these rarities,
You must latch tight and listen closely.
For these song birds sing to share melodies
Of hope and major chords so bright
To strengthen your own wings and
Prepare to lift you in your own flight.

Grand Rapids has my body;
The road has my heart.
Grand Rapids has my body;
The road has my heart.
The mid-space has my body;
The clouds have my heart.
Spread my wings and watch
As my world falls apart.

Or does it sneak up on you in blooms of yellow and bright green? Do you go from the dark, dead of winter and all the sudden, without a clear realization of how or when it happened, you’re shading yourself under a beautiful Box Elder from the sun that refuses to set until 9pm? 

This weekend was truly a blessing. It all happened so fast and unexpectedly, but I really couldn’t thank the world enough for conspiring towards us to make shit happen. I feel like I owe that much more of myself, my music, my performance and my love to the people who believe in what we do. We received some outstanding compliments this weekend that have left me blushing still. I have also read a few non-stellar things about us and myself in particular, which seems that I wouldn’t be pleased with, but bad press is still PRESS! So I can deal with it. 

When I am on stage with a microphone and a room full of people glaring at us, I morph into my true form. Everything you see is everything I am. I, even at my most vulnerable, adopt the strongest part of my being and let nothing hold me back. However, I’ve really got some things I need to work on after the fact. Feeling self-conscious about how I look in photographs or how I sound on recordings is going to cripple everything that I have worked so fucking hard for if I don’t find a way to change the things I can and accept what I cannot.

We’ve got some promising opportunities that appear to be in arms reach…we just have to reach a little further. I need to be sure that I prepare myself with everything that I have.

straight from my livejournal:

…Could it be that music is the only thing for me? I have known that all my life, but never has it come to the point where I know for a fact that doing anything else will absolutely bore me to tears…

I want to start a band. I dont want [the] band to make it big, I dont want [the] band to get involved with a record label, I just want to make music. I want to surround myself with people that want to do the same. I want to knock back into that creative side of me…actually gain some motivation.

I always thought that in the entirely over-saturated market of the music business, it’s a wonder so many bands actually survive long enough to see any national recognition.

But then I remember that a “business” typically revolves around making a profit…tell me what band you know that actually makes a profit on their art! 

The musicians that break through and hold on for life are the musicians who are willing to give up everything to give themselves to music.

I vow here and now to never let the world get in the way of my passion. All I want to do is be an inspiration, just like others have inspired me. 

I can’t begin to explain the enormity of my excitement when I’m on stage. Last night was the first time in 3 fucking years that I’ve performed original music to a crowd. I can tell you, even though I don’t know much about drugs, there is no greater high than to purge everything you have into a microphone and have people tell you afterwards that they actually enjoyed it. Wrap your heart in a warm blanket, hold it with a silk touch and enjoy while ten loving bodies embrace you and you will know what I’m feeling…and the show has just begun.
And you know, aside from my self-full-filling endeavors, the number one reason I write, I sing, I perform and I reach is not for myself; it’s so I can do what my idols did for me. They gave me the courage and the inspiration to share my word and they gave me hope when I was gracing the bottom. I want to be someone’s idol. I want to lift them up. If there is only one thing in this world I want to accomplish, it’s to bring people together.

I’m on that path.

So there is this dream I’ve been having…

In this dream, a microphone floats in front of my mouth as it follows me around. When I move, it moves. When I drop to the floor, it hits like a rock. This microphone knows everything about me. Everytime it meets my lips, it calculates the seconds it takes for my vocal chords to vibrate and my tongue to respond accordingly. This microphone has been kissed, spit on, and tossed violently across the room - but it still refuses to leave my savage lips.

In this dream, my relationship with this mic directly influences every step my feet take. My relationship with this mic bears a correlation between my written words and a connection to the outside world.

In this dream, the microphone feels stark and cold until I speak the warmth of breath into it, and in return, my words ricochet to breathe the life back into me.

I’ve never awoken from this dream because in 25 years of my existence, these dreams keep me wide awake, inspired and wired to a speaker. No matter how many broken souls try to pull the plug; with every match thrown to burn down this voice’s home, my heart will beat with pride because I will ALWAYS fight to keep these dreams alive.