So much sad shit, but the weather has refused to let me stay in a melancholy state. It’s weird. My friends back home suffered a big loss with the death of our friend, Harlin. The cause of death makes things so much worse. Dammit. And then Coda…I can’t imagine the trauma that one of my best friends went through when she saw her beloved puppy…her first child…get demolished by a car. Totally helpless. It’s all just fucking sad….and today would be my Grandmother’s birthday if she were still alive. To top it off, we still had to deal with other small stresses from daily wear and tear while we were really hoping for a nice Memorial Day weekend getaway. All the while, everyone is mourning around me…it’s no wonder my brain was not functioning yesterday. With the heat sucking the energy out of me, I just felt kind of…absent. Numb. Switched off.
I drove to Kalamazoo today and nothing felt right. My nostalgia and connection to the place had suddenly plummeted to a small speck in the gravel beneath my feet. I held so much love and respect for a city where I grew into myself. There, I learned what every 19-23 year old learns about her or himself…how to figure out life on your own. To figure out who you are and who you want to be; to figure out love, what it meant and how to manage the gain and loss of it. Kalamazoo used to be where I had once built a life…now it’s just a place that I have been. And holy shit, it’s true. When they shut down the State Hospital there, they just let everyone go. And if those patients are not still living, their offspring are carrying on their legacy: polluting the city’s street’s, running rampant, spewing nonsensical religious banter while wearing flower bikini tops and pissing in the gutters. This town looks exactly the same but appears so unfamiliar to me.
I guess this means I have finally closed a chapter.
I held on for a long time. Truth is, I hate to let go of my past. So many wonderful memories and lessons learned, I’m afraid to let go of those who were once a part of my life. Just like the line by La Dispute in Andria, “…if i do not miss a part of you, a part of me is dead,” I hold on to places and people like I hold onto my own flesh and blood. Although, I now realize that at some point, you don’t get to make the decision to move on or not, life decides for you.
And so it did.
This weekend will be the start of an uphill climb and I can feel it. So many summer shows for Fine Fine Titans are right around the bend, I need more than ever to make my dreams come alive. Death reminds us that we only have so many days ahead of us…so we either go big or go home.
I’m not going home. Not just yet.
(Source: frankiesayssnorlax)
PLEASE, go on, tell me how fucking fun your recreational choices are.
[video]
[video]
(Source: alfonsoandri)
(Source: italdred, via aminaabdul)
“If you want to achieve anything in life, you have to act without any fear of gain or loss.” —
(via yogachocolatelove)
(via thoughtfulcynic)
Man, I have the coolest animals.
The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over the Lazy Dog.
I feel like I’ve been preparing for this image all my life.
The internet is over, everyone can go home
The internet is over, everyone can go home
THE INTERNET IS OVER, EVERYONE CAN GO HOME
(Source: theamericankid, via 4v4n7g4rd3f4c3)
lazerparty asked: Howdy! This is Keegan! Just saw all those pics of Clarke you posted hahahahahah
Hahaha OH YES! what up, Keegan?!
All hail Prince! Summer wouldn’t be summer without his music on my soundtrack.
It’s not even June and this weather has been unbelievable. Thank you, Michigan. I look forward to utilizing your beautiful lakes.
Almost every bird. Especially the larger species. Don’t fucking mess with the birds.
(via drummerxjosh)
It’s what I seem to live by. With an unfaltering inclination to follow my impulse, I try to do so without the hindrance of fear. Thankfully, my parents raised me to be strong and driven and reminded me often that I could be anything I wanted to be because they would always protect me. And what a security blanket that was-just enough sugar to add to the strength; just enough bitterness to drive the soul to change.
Some people don’t understand why I can be so rough around the edges…outspoken and often uncensored; friendly and sweet but stubborn and cold. It’s a paradox that I’m well aware of and I’ve often heard “complicated” used as an adjective to describe my personality, but I prefer “multi-faceted.” Truth is, I’m guarded. Aren’t we all? I’m human…I’ve got secrets and emotions that I store away while simultaneously reaching out for companionship. I want to be connected but not too connected.
This is what makes music and writing so special to me. When words are written and lyrics are sung (or screamed or shouted), an unspoken dialogue is shared between the reader and the writer or the listener and the musician. Within this dialogue, we can communicate without filter and interact without hesitation. This is when past and future lose importance and it’s only the present that we live through. No matter the subject, pure emotion ebbs and flows between each other and we become enveloped in love, lust, rage, regret, despair, anguish, arousal, ecstasy, gratitude and wonder and in that moment, we have a license to just feel. We don’t have to think. It’s pure honesty and what could be stronger that that?
We’re too scared. For the short amount of time we walk this earth, we sure don’t appreciate the power that we have to make our life something truly remarkable. We mull over shit too much. We spend too much time questioning ourselves instead of questioning those in power. We should be speaking and breathing with pure intention and be extremely skeptical of those who don’t. We should be honest with ourselves and honest with each other, because we are only as weak as our closed lips.
I was thinking today about how fucking sad it is that the world teaches us to be deceitful. In the past, I’ve used the phrase “Fake it until you make it.” without ever really giving it too much thought. Working in the beauty industry for the last ten years has exposed me to some of the most arrogent, money-hungry, image-obsessed, narcissistic individuals that I could only dream of meeting. It’s no wonder they have to wear a mask-they can’t honestly show their client that the service they are providing isn’t actually meant to benefit the customer, but instead feed the stylist’s or business owner’s ego. I know, we all have to eat and in this world, you’ve got to work for that, but our career’s often go far beyond supporting our family. Maybe most of us can’t help but to follow the insatiable herd and to be able to do that, we have to “fake it until [we] make it.” … because if you can’t beat them, you might as well enjoy a beer with them and then stab them in the back when they turn around join them, right?
Well I don’t want to be a part of that. One of the reasons I dont want to have children of my own is because I know that there are millions of people already alive that are sick of the status quo and are waiting for someone to inspire them to push through. They are waiting for the same support that my parents gave to me to create a movement.
I know my calling, I just have to muster up that same strength. Maybe I’ll never cause direct change or be remarkable myself, but I hope that I can at least help someone else to turn this ship around.
Trial and Error. Let’s see what I can make work.